Is he keeping you around for selfish reasons?


Are you just filling up a void in his life? Women don’t enjoy playing ‘second’ in a man’s life, but when you are filling a void for him, often you will never be first. There are many men who have a difficult time being alone, don’t want to give up their bachelor ways, or who spend too much emotional time pining over their Ex—a relationship that countless times has not worked. Instead of opening their hearts to the process of “newness,” they will fill this empty space with a “for now.”

Often when a guy is emotionally guarded or shutdown, but still wants you in his life—you are there to fill a void for him. This void could be mental, emotional, spiritual, physical or all four. Although this might sound like an appealing situation to be in, it’s not—especially if you are wanting more.

A guy who wants you—just for the sole purpose of filling his void—will work hard not share his heart space with you. There will be an obvious emotional wall between you (that he has put up) and he will dart from any type of commitment—not letting himself get too close to you. But, he will continue to keep you around. Why?

Is he keeping you around for selfish reasons?

9 Things To Keep An Eye Out When You Start Becoming His ‘Void Filler’

  1. He is not over his Ex—he is hoping one day they will get back together, but for now, you are “good enough”
  2. He is emotionally unavailable—he has been emotionally scarred from a past relationship(s) and is emotionally closed off, but still enjoys the company of a woman
  3. He is a guys guy—he has become overly dependent on his male friendships—he doesn’t know how to make time, effort and frankly the space in life for a woman
  4. He doesn’t see you in his future—he’s keeping you around until a “better” suited woman comes along.
  5. He is a game player and enjoys playing the field (sleeping with multiple women)
  6. He is afraid to be alone, but again, does not see a future with you
  7. He is stuck in his “bachelor” ways and doesn’t want to disrupt that
  8. He does not believe he deserves love
  9. He is afraid of getting his heart “broken” so he keeps you at a distance

The void you are being used to fill in his life is happening until something or someone better comes along. Or, maybe it’s because he’s bored and selfish.

Here’s the thing, when the connection is there you can feel it but, he is set on “not wanting to be in a relationship” and removes all other options off the table—not letting the experience between you be organic—not only are you are wasting your time and energy, he is also missing out on the opportunity to connect with you in a meaningful way.

What does filing a void mean?

It means we are a temporary stand-in until someone or something else better (in his opinion) comes along. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop—you don’t know when or where, but eventually it will happen (you will be pushed out of his life)—the second a new (or possibly old) pair arrives. Ouch!

When you get your heartbroken, or a relationship ends in a negative way, it is natural to want to take a break from relationships. If you need to “find yourself,” go find yourself. If you need to seek therapy to understand what went wrong, go to therapy. What you should not do is start dating when you are not ready.

Most women don’t want to hear that a man does not want a committed relationship because he needs to “rediscover” himself, especially when he expects us to keep dating him while he does his “soul-searching.”

Communication is important in all relationships. However, when you first meet someone, you probably will not be discussing your future committed relationship. That conversation will hopefully happen later—after you get to know one another, trust is built, respect and love have grown. Does this mean we should close ourselves off to the possibility of a relationship until that happens? No. How will any of those things one day happen if we do?

Always remember that everything happens for a reason

Let’s keep it real, there are no guarantees in love. However, if we weren’t looking for a connection and one is brought to us, then maybe, just maybe the connection is worth exploring?

All things are brought into our lives for a reason. Why close ourselves off by predicting the future assuming a relationship won’t work? Therefore we subconsciously end up creating an emotional barrier—keeping potential love away? Creating this type of barrier can cause us to flee the second we start to feel—happy, vulnerable, excited, a sincere connection or love.

Life is short, and caring or possibly loving someone can be scary—especially when we have had relationship failures in our past. The question we need to consider is, “do we want to be with someone who has closed themselves off to the possibility of a committed relationship because they are too scared to take a risk?”

Ladies, hold out for a man who has healed himself. A man who is open to the possibility of a committed relationship. This isn’t about needing a guy to rush into a relationship, instead, it’s about being with a guy who is open wholeheartedly. To the process and doesn’t purposely or subconscious hold himself back.

It takes two whole people to ultimately have a successful relationship. If you are in his life to fill a void, chances are, you will one day be replaced.


  1. 25 February 2019 / 9:09 PM

    It’s a beautiful thing, this feeling called love. Even more so the fact that there are women like you that understand what possibly happens /influences a man’s actions. Beautiful article!

  2. 8 May 2020 / 3:04 PM

    Wow, wonderful! This has been a really wonderful article. Thanks for providing this info.

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